30-12-2024
i left the house to go to safeway. downloaded a bunch of noise albums. did my shot. bought a book and a septum ring. diaries of eva hesse. there's soup tomorrow
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|\ ____\ |\ \|\ \ |\ __ \|\___ ___\
\ \ \___| \ \ \\\ \ \ \ \|\ \|___ \ \_|
\ \ \ \ \ \\\ \ \ \ __ \ \ \ \
\ \ \____ \ \ \\\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \
\ \_______\ \ \_______\ \ \__\ \__\ \ \__\
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________ ________ ___ ________ ________
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\ \ \____\ \ \ \ \ \ \____ \ \ \ \ \ \ \\ \ \
\ \_______\ \__\ \__\ \_______\ \ \__\ \__\ \__\\ \__\
\|_______|\|__|\|__|\|_______| \|__|\|__|\|__| \|__|
27-12-2024
nights talking with m, a few half-finished x-mas movies, the fading crush, and sleeping all day
18-12-2024
L asked about something i like that often goes unnoticed, and i said, moss on stone steps.
i met six people at the soup thing.
10-12-2024
back in tall girl city!
my mom called me "nasty" for confronting her.
a woman "secretly" took pictures of me as i boarded the plane to msp ... i watched her check them to make sure they'd turned out! hahaha
i've had a headache for two days
i maayy have made a friend whom i maayy meet in real life some day?
06-12-2024
hanging out with my grandma rules. i spent way more time with her than with my mom when i was a kid, and we get along well. and she tries. she likes saying "valeria" and "val" a lot.
and she loves electronic and ambient and new age music. like, ever since first hearing wendy carlos's switched-on bach.
so anyway, we've been hanging out, drinking coffee, watching tv.
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04-12-2024
feel like shit. slogging through this application.
i left for the library to work on stuff and avoid hearing the he/him's and my old name.
turned on the oral arguments after waking up. hopeless.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ ( S | O | M | E ) ( H | U | M | A | N | S ) \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ ( A | I | N | ' | T ) ( H | U | M | A | N ) \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/
03-12-2024
i'm in ohio til sunday.
for the last time?
i scrawled something in the airport bathroom.
.---. .----. .--. .-. .-. .----. .---. .-..----. .-.
{_ _}| {} } / {} \ | `| |{ {__ / __}| || {} }| |
| | | .-. \/ /\ \| |\ |.-._} } \ {_ }| || .-. \| `--.
`-' `-' `-'`-' `-'`-' `-'`----' `---' `-'`-' `-'`----'
.----. .----..----..----. .-. .-..----..----. .----.
| {} }| {_ | {_ | {} \ | {_} || {_ | {} }| {_
| .--' | {__ | {__ | / | { } || {__ | .-. \| {__
`-' `----'`----'`----' `-' `-'`----'`-' `-'`----'
30-11-2024
i've been sleeping and not doing drugs for two whole days.
so that feels good. and then there's so much to read.
last night, i sent ella a message telling her i'm a girl. she said i was pretty.
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27-11-2024
m and i went to pony last night for karaoke. so many cute trans people. i drank 1/4 of a drink, smoked outside, and proceeded to f-reak out. i asked m to take me home. oops.
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/ _ / ) )_) / ) )\/) )_
(__/ (_/ ( ( (_/ ( ( (__ o
/
___ ___ _ __ __ _
) )_ / ` )_) )_) )_) / )
( (__ (_. ( ( /__) / \ (_/
26-11-2024
i walked to greenwood to get my library card yesterday — wore a new goodwill dress. in the afternoon, i got my hair cut by a professional for the first time in, like, 15 years? euphoric. the hairdresser talked to me about 80s film stars. then we went to daiso, and i got a little pouch for my shot supplies, warm mittens, and a case for my cards to replace my old wallet.
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24-11-2024
"but you never complained about wearing pants [as a child]" -- dear audience, my infallible mother.
i picked up 3ml syringes from the pharmacy today after church (yeah, yeah, i know. i don't believe in god or jesus or anything, but the sermons are good, and i always nearly cry at the chanting of the Proper Preface).
i facetimed with my family for something like an hour. and my grandma explained how she'd told a neighbor about my "change of persona." [screams, screeches, thrashes].
i'm flying out there in, like, a week, i guess. so we all know i'm gonna feel like shit during and after that. i'm just trying to brace myself. not sure why i do these things for people who don't care if iiii live or i diiiie. anyway, at least it's now only a once-yearly pilgrimage. my longheld love for the midwest now dwindles.
i sent a postcard to emily in a michigan.
i should write a message to ella. i think it was her birthday last week.
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22-11-2024
duuude.
i feel soo much better after my shot.
we went to carkeek park yesterday and saw the salmon wriggling their way to calmer waters. or else dying on the rocks.
creatures who want to go home.
anyway, then we got our covid and flu shots at safeway. i guess i should go to ohio in early december ...
19-11-2024
having a prescription means waiting a week for it to get filled. it means telling the pharmacist your "chronic condition." it means excitedly, gratefully receiving a vial, sharps container, needles, and swabs ... only to get home and realize: no syringes.
edit: i did it! i got my shot! thanks to my partner saving me again!
14-11-2024
i got makeup. we went to a bar nearby and stopped at fred meyer after, and i bought my first lipstick, ha. we smoked on the way home in the rain. swoon. tomorrow's my appointment to get the hormones i've run out of. my name change hearing's scheduled for ... jan. 6th. ha ha. i guess i'll do my best to get everything else changed after that. we'll see.
i really like it here.
6-11-2024
yo, i live in seattle now, and i'm very sleepy. i just nodded off and bumped my head against the wall.
5-11-2024
i thought of something good to write here when i woke up, but now it's gone. i'm in a taxi on my way to the airport, but i'm not going anywhere. the driver's phone alert's a wolf whistle. my cat surely hates me, and i owe people emails.
4-11-2024
i tried to list out the reasons why i hate it here
and failed.
my mother says, "you used to love it." her daughter says, "his affection turned sexual." my mother says, "that wasn't very nice." her daughter says, "shove it."
(god, couch slut is good.)
yesterday, i lost my gender. the angry farce of "Señor Señora" burning at the airline counter. didn't let myself sob 'til the closing click of the apartment door. nothing on the walls, so i echoed in the dark. then today, in the vet's office, i rediscovered the depths of my voice.
("carpet farmer." so good.)
i still don't really know how to get out of this cave
23-10-2024
i made a facebook account (in the year of our lord 2024) so i could join a local trans group,
which then declined me membership because my account was new. haha.
i guess i deserved that.
22-10-2024
did he feel similar then, when he ran away, back to his country —
his beautiful, fucked up, violent country?
18-10-2024
wrote a rough outline for my personal statement.
m went to the store and made a big salad for lunch.
i read her part of a casey plett story as we crunched on croutons.
now we're sitting on the folded-out sofa-bed and listening to sibylle baier
17-10-2024
there's no more EV in the pharmacies here.
hormones are a privilege.
today after panicking, i came up with a plan: i'll switch to the medroxy/EC combo shot, along with lenzetto ... to tide me over
until i can harvest my own e from mutant pigs in the post-apocalyptic wastes of rural iowa.
or until i get to seattle
16-10-2024
fuck.
i need someone to be excited for and proud of me.
and my mom ain't that
edit: i applied for the library job in seattle!
12-10-2024
my abuser is moving back to bogotá.
but we're moving too!
10-10-2024
another face-laser day.
i wake up thinking about application statements
08-10-2024
last night the delivery guy called me "señora" twice.
then we got high. i was amazed at my boldness.
as if i should still be living my quiet boy life not causing anyone any trouble.
sometimes i feel that i'm angrier now. less abiding.
maybe it's because i have more to protect.
06-10-2024
anabel "babalú" "little bell" "the reaper" "boombox" "peach pit" "babalugui" lee, our household's smallest calico and loudest purrer, passed away this morning at nearly 16 years old.
03-10-2024
thinking of going to library school again.
thinking of getting the hell out of here.
i'm sorry for teaching m anger, but i also like the rage she has for the people who hurt me.
01-10-2024
getting drunk on rum, marking my height on the wall. a tradition.
anabel's back home with a special food and medication.
30-09-2024
went to visit the little cat today. she's doing well, eating and screaming (totally normal).
it's freezing in here. the rain hasn't let up.
i wish i'd gotten to wear my dresses in new york
29-09-2024
m woke me up this morning. our cat anabel is sick. we took her to the vet clinic close by, and they hospitalized her for dehydration. her kidneys were hard. they'll do blood tests and imaging. even though she must be in pain, she was purring so hard the vet couldn't listen to her heart or lungs.
28-09-2024
i got up earlier today. that's a start.
the laser's definitely working, and i'm really happy about it.
last night i was thinking about a picture of me (now lost) at 15 wearing blue eye shadow and a tight top. and i thought about charlie, the boy behind the camera, and how safe i'd felt in his bed.
ending the day feeling ugly and stupid
26-09-2024
i got home late, and m had made food. i brought her her favorite juice from the airport. we listened to the radio while we ate.
in the morning, i told her a bad memory i'd uncovered the day before. now we're resting and reading ... i feel sick from the trip. we're still listening to the radio.
it rained and hailed so hard this afternoon! the park flooded, and our cat got scared by the noise.
i think i might get really into xiu xiu now.
24-09-2024
you know what, i think i can deal with this. i mean, i kinda have to.
it felt good, anyway, to go out not so bundled up.
the morning was cool, and we walked my sister's dog through the park and then said goodbye at her subway station.
i wore a thin gray shirt that m bought me
23-09-2024
the woman at the check-in desk thought i was a girl ...
until i handed her my passport.
it helps i'm wearing a mask.
my mom always told me i'd never grow facial hair because of
... "my blood" ... (god, who raised me?) ...
but that wasn't true.
it just took its time.
i still had hardly any well into my twenties.
whenever i'd shave my grandfather's beard, after he got sick,
he'd say how lucky i was to not have to worry about that myself.
m's nice and says i shouldn't give the mask too much credit.
11:20 AM "you have been selected for a special security screening"
a dude touched my boobs behind a partition.
i'm tired. no one makes me feel pretty except m.
everyone makes me feel weird except m.
22-09-2024
i haaaate packing.
i kinda haaaate traveling.
i'm bringing two dresses.
21-09-2024
two more stories left in another casey plett book.
my cat is a beautiful creature, and i hope he never dies.
the skin on my upper lip and chin feels smoother, i don't know.
i bought two bras to be delivered to my sister's apartment while i'm there in new york.
19-09-2024
while we're walking home from the store, i hear a lot of men talking or singing to themselves as they fly by on their bikes.
today, i was looking through old pictures from my dead brother-in-law's harddrives.
we've moved the low wooden table into m's room, and we sit around it on cushions all day long. then we push it against the wall at night and lay the beds down beside it.
i don't know how i'll go a week without her.
18-09-2024
i'm nervous!!!
edit: it went great! did my first session today. the doctor asked me if i was on hormones, and i was like, no (gut reaction), ehh ... sí .... sí
17-09-2024
for a girl who takes as many pills as i do, i sure am bad at taking pills.
tomorrow, i'm going in for a consult appointment at a laser hair removal clinic. for my face.
worried about money as usual.